Memories

Most of my memories are pretty short, and I feel like I have lots of them. 

Some of my fondest times with Dad were gathered around his guitar. I feel like he did that less and less as we got older, but we did that a lot in Utah. He would get that old song book out and start strumming, sometimes we would sing along other times we would just listen. I loved that about him. He loves music, even when I would come and play the piano while I visited. Usually, it was an electric piano. Remember that electric piano that had the cards that you would slide to start the song? I think that electric piano was only in AZ but maybe it made it to Washington. He also would have us sing in church every time we would visit, usually it would be Jen, but he would always seize an opportunity to show case his families talent. You knew Dad was proud of his family because he was always showing us off when we visited. Made me feel special, almost like royalty every time we came up. 

Dad loves his yard. I have memories of riding the mower, usually with him. A couple of times I got to drive it myself. That was fun. One summer we planted a garden, it was a large garden behind the house and we worked hard weeding it and watering it. I don’t remember harvesting it, that may have come after we left. One time after we had worked and played out in the yard, I think I was around 8 or 9 years old, we went inside and while I was sitting with him he told me I stunk! Ha! The next day, Mother took me shopping for deodorant. I bought “teen spirit”. Good times. 

Every time we would visit, Dad would take us out individually on dates to a restaurant. I loved that. Getting one on one time with him and talking about everything. I remember one particular long drive to the restaurant and I asked him what happened between him and mom (bev). I expected negative details to come from him, but he never said anything negative about mom. This really surprised me, and is something I respect about him to this day. Infact, I don’t think I have ever heard him say anything bad about her. 

Whipping us with a stick came to slow close when I was a teenager. The last time remember being “spanked” by dad was after I had teased John (I think) and he got out the broom to beat us with it. I bent over to receive my punishment and after he hit me, the the bristle end, it made me laugh and that was the end of “beatings” from dad. 

There was never a doubt in my mind that Dad loved his family. I wish we saw it more when we were away, but he poured it out on us when we were there. Many times he made a plea to have us come live with him. I never took that opportunity, Jen and Jason would for the summer. Dad loves us, I know that, I suppose that’s what makes me so sad sometimes, I remember leaving one year, headed back to arizona, and watching him stand in the terminal. I felt sad for him, that he had to say goodbye to his kids every summer for one whole year. That must have been hard at times. 

I loved to cuddle with Dad. Although, his barrel chest made it difficult it was still my favorite. He would lay down on the floor after dinner and I would cuddle up to him. In Utah it was the white sheep skin rug. Remember that? He loved to nap after dinner sometimes requesting we take off his boots. That was always a challenging task, you just can’t yank off his boots, there is skill to it. Heel then toe, then a deep suction noise and off comes the boot, sometimes the sock too. 

I learned to shoot from Dad, he taught us strict shooting guidelines to keep us safe. I respected that and to this day, I try to teach my kids the same guidelines. The great thing about his land in Washington, we could shoot in his back yard. He also had a deal that you got a rifle when you turned 16. I think everyone got one, but me. I remember when Jen got hers. That was cool. 

I learned to drive when I would visit washington. One particular time, Dad let me drive back from a branch members house, and jason and jen were so upset that he let me drive. I must have been 14, so I understand why, but I still thought it was funny. Dad loved to teach us things, that always made me feel special. 

Jessi

Hi ya'll. So much to report. Mostly fun stuff. I got to go see Seabrook yesterday. Amazing!! It is so beautiful and Buck has done such a great job with his little shop and keeping current (right, Buck?) We also had a fantastic salmon and oyster BBQ. It was such a Northwest experience I almost cried:) We (Jabe and his darling family, Buck and his cute family and Dad mother and I) tried to watch The Black Panther but what with the little kids and Dad's frustrating vision, we got about 30 minutes in and realized it just wasn't working. The party broke up around 7:30 and dad actually went to bed then. I didn't see Dad today until 12:30. He said he had a great night's sleep but getting up and going was hard for him this morning. Just like anyone, he has good days and bad days. The bad days scare me and I now know why Mother would think he wouldn't make it until October.

The way I see it, Dad is trying to process all of this even more that we are. His sickness, the implications of his death, dealing with dying, and dealing with the cancers that are inside of him. I don't think he is trying to be deceitful he is just undecided. He's not lying, he's just confused. Right now he is asleep again so on the average he has about 4-6 waking hours in a day. When he is awake we reminisce about the old days and talk about his condition. Yesterday Dad told me about a quilt Mother was making as a cover for his casket and Mother showed me the fabric. It will cover the casket but not be buried with him as it will be on display in the house. He talked a little bit about the funeral and about the getting his affairs in order. Although, in my opinion, his affairs aren't in enough order. We'll see after he goes to see the lawyers next week.

About moving downstairs, Dad is adament that that not happen yet. However, as sneaky as Mother is, she has procured a hospital type bed that should be coming today. I'll let you know how that goes down. SPOILER ALERT: I don't think it will go very well.

As far as eating goes, his caloric intake is so different from day to day. That first day I was here Dad ate great, then last night he ate like one oyster, one cracker and a spoonful of potato salad or somthing like that. Mother did blend up a handful of pork to put in his gravy to drizzle over his potatoes he had for lunch. She is always thinking up ways to get Dad his calories. Next step, mix his Ensure Plus with his regular chocolate milk. For a guy who says he can't taste very well, he sure seems to be able to sense when Mother tries to sneak good things into his food. Like protein powder, or, Ensure into his chocolate milk.

This is my last full day here. If there are any concerns you have or any questions, now is the time to ask them. I leave tomorrow afternoon.

Love you all. When you come, don't forget to look through the photo albums with your names on them. They are a hoot! Jen

Greetings from the great North West!! Man, I forgot how much I love this place we call Copalis Crossing!! I arrived at Dad's at about noon today and got to hug his frail little body. His body may be weak but his mind is strong. I still have a few more days to evaluate things so stay tuned. I will tell you this, today dad ate: two scrambled eggs for breakfast, half of a tomato (was a BLT but he took out the B) sandwich for lunch, a chocolate Boost for a snack and then a handful of mashed potatoes (he opted not to eat the corn on the cob or the yummy spare ribs) for dinner. He moves very slowly and does wince with pain when getting in and out of his chair. Like what Lance said, he has more than just brain cancer. More than likely prostate cancer that has spread through his chest. We got some good visiting in and Buck and Carly came to visit with the boys and Jabez and his family is parked outside in their trailer to spend the night and the day tomorrow.
Right now, my gut says that dad won't be with us for long but he will make it to October. That's how I'm feeling now. Please keep your prayers coming as I bring up some tough things with him like a will, sleeping downstairs, and other questions on my agenda. Also pray that I will have the right feelings about his time left on earth. Love you guys. Jen

Dad has more than one tumor, nutrition

Thank you for posting about "wasting." The study below is performed on hospital patients, but was very informative https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5424865/#!po=5.59701

It's important to note that based on Dad's "Well Being Letter" sent on May 22, "The CT of the chest, abdomen and pelvis, had revealed other potential problems."  When I visited in July, I asked him to elaborate on that sentence.  He then explained that his body is riddled with growths that are likely cancer.  He knows of a tumor also in his prostate, but has declined to have a biopsy.  The dizziness he experiences has led to a lost appetite, is how he puts it.  I can relate; when I experience dizziness and nausea during my migraines, although I may feel hungry, eating is not appealing.

If there is a physiological wasting of the body in addition to malnutrition (due in large part to the nausea I mentioned in my first post, stubbornness of Dad in accepting medical intervention, and I also think a lack of nutrition assistance from Dad's Nurse Practitioner), then that would help explain his accelerated weight loss.  I wonder if these additional growths have accelerated his "wasting."   

I have suggested to Dad several times, as has Mother, to get some nutrition coaching/consultation and he has not taken advice like that seriously.  He responds with "we'll be fine" or "we're working with it."  Thankfully, Mother is giving him Ensure drinks to supplement his very weak diet.  Dad is willing to listen only to a Nurse Practitioner (despite several around him pointing out he needs to see a Dr) who treated him several times; unfortunately, she has not provided Mother adequate meal and nutrition resources she has requested.

Thank you for bringing up the IV!  I can help push that too :)

So Geret and I both called Dad today to ask him about his eating and trying to get through to him that he needs to get more nutrition. Dad said that they are trying everything they know to get him to eat more. I had to point out to him that it just wasn't working. Losing 10 pounds in a week isn't acceptable. I asked Dad if he would want to get an IV but he said, "No, that's for later down the road." I wanted to say, "Oh, like next week." Because if he keeps losing weight at this alarming rate, well, I've already said. Hospice comes tomorrow (hopefully) for a home evaluation and mother will try to get a nurse/doctor over to take a look at Dad and give us his/her professional opinion. I asked about his pain level and he said basically it only hurts when he moves. When he's lying still and quiet the pain level is at a 1 or 2, he says. Sometimes his chest hurts when he moves, that's where the pain seems to come from. PLEASE feel free to call him and ask him about his nutrition. Maybe we can wear him down to eat out of pure guilt He He He. Jen

HI all. Got a call from mother today saying that Dad is quite bad and that those visiting in October would be visiting too late, in her opinion. Geret and I have been talking and are asking ourselves the question, why is he dying? The tumor is not taking him this fast. It boils down to starvation. Dad is not getting nearly enough calories to sustain himself. Now, Geret looked some things up and there is such a thing as "wasting" with cancer patients. Their bodies are not able to glean the nutrients they need to live. Dad says he isn't hungry which is also a cancer thing. These things together is causing his starvation (Not to mention his stubbornness). Geret and I are going to call him and ask the question, Are you willing to eat more to improve your quality of life? If the answer is yes, that may mean an IV, since the old fashioned way just isn't working. Is he says no, and we need to be ready for this, than we'd better start travel plans to say our good-byes cause he won't last much longer. I love you all and hope this helps you understand what's going on. Love, Jen

Hey Sibs! I wanted to put this together for us to, mainly right now, talk about Dad without his knowledge!:) Here, I want those who have seen him to report and those who are worried about him to tell us what you think. And, if you are traveling to see Dad, let us know. I, myself, am worried about him. I've had Mother be my spy and she seems to think he is deteriorating quite quickly. Weight in. Love you guys. Jen